The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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