When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
