Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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