She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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