I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
