you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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