Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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