wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
