if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
