it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
