who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
