I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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