So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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