Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
