I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
