my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
