I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize