Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
