No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
