I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Found the puke drawer
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
