You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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