How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
