You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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