we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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