Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
