I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
