Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
