He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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