Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
