I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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