So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
