just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
