Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
