did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
