I'm gonna have a badass scar
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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