I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is the high leading the old right now
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
