I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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