He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
