Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
