I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
