My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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