I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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