just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dignity is for republicans.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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