Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
