My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
