i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
