woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
