The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
