They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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