why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
