i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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