"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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