one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
