I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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