I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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