Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
