a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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