I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
